Saturday, October 10, 2009

A Letter to Fellows Concerning The Restroom

Yes, it's been a while. Yes, this is one big dick and fart rant. Yes, it felt SO good to write it.

Dear whoever the hell was just in here,

Ok, everybody, I was hoping it wouldn’t come to this, but, we have to talk about the bathroom situation. Seriously, everyone, pull up a folding chair, get some cold coffee and stale donuts, and let’s hash this out. Let’s start with a question, ok? Ok. What the fuck is up with you people and the bathrooms?

What choices upon choices have played out in your individual lives to lead up to this unnatural horror I step into on a nigh weekly basis? What feral beings have been hired to work here are coming in here at some seemingly anonymous, but surely previously agreed upon, time to wreak havoc on these facilities that are so important to every living human in the building?

I’ll give you a few examples of what I’m talking about. If you could form your response in the order that these are presented it would do a lot to stave of the insanity that is growing nightly as a result of viewing this crazy ass nonsense.

Number 1, a simple one to start with: Why do you insist on pissing all over everything that your powerful bladder can reach? Honestly, I walked in the other night and gagged a little. I had to stop walking to gag. And, when I say “walked in”, I of course mean I walked in to the FLOOR that the bathrooms are on.

I caught a hint of it in the stairwell. Not such an uncommon area to detect the faint odor of urine. But, this was the stairwell inside the building. The one you have to pass another outdoor stairwell to get to. And, we all know that outdoor stairwells are the next best thing to a urinal, so why would someone bypass it for this one? Oh but they didn’t.

No, this whiff was only an impish foreshadowing of the horrible stench, a stenchible if you will, that was to punch me full force in the forehead as soon as I swung the door open to my desired floor. A force that was unavoidable as I have to pass by these bathrooms on my way to my office each night.

Then, an added horror came from the realization that the smell was most potent, like the venom of a king cobra, next to the ladies room. Color me old-fashioned but I was still shocked at the mental image of a group of women, cackling like witches, free from their gender bound timidity, freely showering everything in the room with their tinkle makers.

So, ok, there’s that. Now number 2. A more specific inquiry: What in the fuck did you eat? This bathroom is the closest thing I have to going to church, because just about every time I walk in, I scream out Jesus Christ’s name, and, usually follow that with a little prayer.

This is too much. When confronted by this kind of thick haze in the air I wish I had the ability to call some kind of “timeout” for life. That or call the fire department, since some kind of walking shit zombie has obviously just been defeated by burning it to death.

Do we have a CSI in this city? I know Grissom retired but he needs to get down here right now and give us some input. Measure the age of some bugs or something because we have to know what did this, and we have to know now. Honestly, if I walked past a hospital that smelled like this, I would burn it to the ground immediately so the rest of us wouldn’t get infected. Think “And The Band Played On” but all based around someone’s horrible dump.

Number 3: Do you not understand what the things in the bathroom are for? I know it can be confusing but let’s go over a few of them as a refresher. A little, “do’s and dont’s” action so you can be prepared next time.

Ok, toilet paper. Toilet paper is for cleaning your body after you do your restroom business. And by restroom business I mean urinating and defecating. Not describing what kind of universal remote to buy off Ebay to your wife over your cell phone while you’re taking a shit. Toilet paper has nothing to do with online auctions. It has everything to do with making sure that the parts of your body that things come out of are free of the stuff that just came out of them. And, after you use it to clean yourself, you put it in the toilet, per the name of the fucking item. It’s toilet paper; it goes in the toilet. It’s in the family of products referred to as TOILETRIES. So, unless society is ok with the idea of changing the name to the restroom to Toilet Place, and the building to Toilet Box, I don’t really know how to make it any clearer for you.

Next are paper towels. These are for drying your hands after you wash them, which you should always do. They can be used for other things but we’re going to stick to basics right now. Ok? Drying your hands. They are for drying your hands. What they are NOT for is flushing in the toilet. What they are especially NOT for is flushing 33 of them in the toilet at the same time. You see you can make that distinction with the name again. Paper TOWELS. Towels dry things. So, maybe you were trying to dry the toilet bowl, I don’t know. If that was the case, a noble effort, but a little misplaced.

Oh, they are also NOT for making paper machete wasp’s nests with the entire roll from the thing, so that none of us can have any clean ones for when we use the facility correctly. You fucking assholes.

This next item might surprise you. Are you ready for it? Ok, it’s water. Yeah, that’s right, water. Water is a very universally useful material, but, in the bathroom it is really only for one thing, and that is cleaning yourself. Put it on your hands, put it on your face, put it wherever you just got shit all over you from your bizarre pooping rituals. What you do NOT do with it, if flip the holy hell out and fling it all over the goddamn bathroom. I get that you are de-evolving Star Trek: TNG style into some kind of amphibious creature and want to make every surface available to you wet and slippery, but chill out. The urinators have already been here. Everything is already wet and slippery. Ok?

Ok, the last product I want to talk about is the preformed paper seat covers. I call them PPSC’s, or “pipsqueaks”, for short. These are what we in the bathroom community call an “advanced toiletry.” Probably something you haven’t seen in your own home before, but they really are quite extraordinary. See, what they do, is they keep your bare ass from making direct contact with the “used junky’s needle” like surface that is the toilet seat. They are quick, easy to use, and degrade in water much like toilet paper, so there’s no clean up. They even go down when you flush.

But, what they are NOT for, ok, is pulling out five in a row and tearing them different ways because you can’t figure out that your shit is supposed to go through the GIANT HOLE in them, only to give up, defeated, leaving the tattered remains on the floor like you’ve just torn up an old treasure map. Or you left your huge rolling papers lying around. Or you just “Wolverined” your way through an entire fresh deli sandwich.

Or course, going back to number 2 on this list (wait for that to hit), these covers aren’t going to really serve a purpose if you feel that you’re about to completely disintegrate from the waste down. So, if that’s the case just leave them tidy in their box for the rest of us please.

Well, I thought I might add some more, but, we’ve covered a lot of ground here for a first time, so, let me just let that soak in. Maybe give you an opportunity to send me some follow up questions if you are confused about any thing.

I’ll just leave you with some quick parting tips for bathroom etiquette. A little crib sheet you can feel free to print out and carry with you the next time you decide to rape the closest bathroom to my office.

1: I kind of covered this, but, don’t talk on the phone in the bathroom.
2: If you do talk on the phone, don’t fart, and then laugh, and say “yeah, I just farted.” It makes me cry.
3: If you’re on the toilet and you hear someone burst into the bathroom, screech to a stop, and then politely wash their hands for three seconds then leave, that’s probably an indicator that you’ve broken one of the cardinal rules of bathroom etiquette. And also that person has just willingly fled the scene of a murder suicide. (Come on, like you’ve never walked into a bathroom about to pee on yourself and decided to use the old “I’m washing my hands” routine to cover the sound of you fleeing at top speed.)
4: Don’t eat things that kill your internal organs and then violently expel them out of you with the force of a tsunami.
5: Stop. Pissing. On. EVERYTHING!

Alright, that’s as much as I can say for now. Happy shitting, you disgusting dogmen.

Chiggie Von Richthofen
As Wichita Falls, So Falls Wichita Falls