Monday, April 9, 2007

A Letter to the Office Concerning Beverages

Dear Stupid Co-Workers,

What in the figgety fuck is your problem with the coffee pot lately? Why have I gotten to the point of making two to three pots of coffee a day when I'm still only drinking two to three cups of coffee a day? You obviously have no problem in drinking all of that dark liquid, but when it comes time to anty up and make some more OH NO! Not your job is it buddy boy? No, that's for someone else to do; someone, you know, less important that hasn't proven themselves a necessary addition to our team here.

I guess that's what you're thinking, I don't know. I don't know why you won't take 30 seconds out of your day to put a fresh packet of Community into a filter and push a button. It's hooked up to the hot water in the building; it takes more steps for me to make toast than it takes to use our coffee machines.

That's right, machines. Plural. I have to do this in different rooms on a daily basis, all the time feeling your beady scavenger eyes on my back. The shadows play across the battleship grey carpet as you circle over head so you can swoop down and take advantage of a larger animal's initiative.

I might have just kept going like this, disgruntled but silent, if I hadn't been following a fellow employee into the break room today and seen this "Joe Killer" attitude live in front of my face. We both walk in, both see the empty coffee pot, and he turns to me and shrugs, "well, I guess it's all gone," and walks off. What? Gone? It's not gone, you idiot, it's empty. This isn't a magical fucking spring! The break room isn't some enchanted glade in a forgotten wood! Coffee is the product of a deliberate action performed by a human being.

Obviously, you have some problems with the idea of where things come from, so, let me break down how some things are made in nature so you can see our place in the cosmic balance. Tiny elves in trees make cookies, old cartoon women make paper towels, grown men that dress up like the Sun make Jimmy Dean Sausage, and people that work in an office are supposed to make motherfucking coffee.

So, here's the skinny on the procedure. If you see that there isn't any more coffee, especially if you are the reason for that, make some more. Shhh! Don't talk, you'll ruin the moment. Just turn your happy ass back around, walk over to the big bad coffee pot, and perform the monkeys-can-do-it-better-than-you task of refilling the pot for the other people in the office.


No, it's not because you want to show everybody you're such a nice guy. That would only happen if you came early in the morning and made it first, like I do. No, this is because you owe it to the people that made it before you. It's because you need to get this "pay it forward" bullshit mentality out of your head when you are doing something that you are expected to do. You aren't going out of your way when you make more Joe, you're paying back the person that made it first. You're giving back to the work community, pitching in, pulling your weight. There should be a clamorous riot to get to the pot to be the next person that refills it.

That's the biggest reason Coffee Killers make me so mad. You have absolutely no drive to help out the group. You pride yourself on being part of a business team but you can't even get the little stuff right. I'm not known for my immaculate work ethic, but that doesn't mean I can't spot a bunch of Joe stealing sonsab*tches when I see them, and you bunch need to get your act together.

You all are the reason that the world hates America. I mean that.

Chiggie Von Richthofen
Not a despicable, Coffee-Killing, pencil-neck, bastard

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