Tuesday, July 1, 2008

A Letter to Movie Goers Concerning Theaters

Dear loud, annoying, sacks of, you know what? You don't deserve an intro.

Dear fuckers,

Yeah, fuckers. You know who you are.

This building we're in, that's called a movie theater. This is a place where people go to see films. Films are like pictures except they move and have sound. They are like really big and really long Youtube clips, and, instead of imbedded in your Myspace page, they play on that big white sheet in the front of the room.

We know where the front is because that's the direction all these chairs are turned, so that people can relax in a position that allows them to see the screen. The screen the movie plays on. Because they, and I, paid to be here and watch it. And when I say watch, I mean see, hear, absorb, understand, and interpret.

I don't mean look at the picture long enough to commit that ironic one liner to memory and repeat it to your friends immediately after hearing it like you're that first ant that finds food and rushes back to the hill to inform everyone that food does, in fact, exist.

Now, I don't expect you to understand that some people watch movies like other people listen to music or read books. And by music and books I don't mean Hannah Montanna, and Hannah Montanna's biography.

No, I don't know if she actually has a biography. I was just using an asinine example to illustrate, oh fuck this!

Here is a list of things that aren't acceptable in movie theaters. Don't worry about why. You're too stupid to understand, I promise.

Number 1: Don't buy more food than you can handle when you are sitting down. You're going to be in that chair for, what, 2 hours? Maybe. Do you really need a large bucket of popcorn, a box of nachos with the cheese in a little cup right in the box, 2 hotdogs, a box of bunch'a'crunch, and three 92 oz. Diet Cokes? If I laid all that out for my dog he wouldn't be able to finish it in two hours. Because his body would violently force it back out of him before he was half-way through.

This is one of the only times during the day that it's critical that you not get out of your fucking chair for a period of time, and you decide to begin your movie by wolfing down a large sack of junk that your body can't even begin to process as nourishment.

Now you've got to hurry down a flight of stairs in the dark while trying to hold in a good 7 pounds of waste that your body just basically refused to acknowledge as food.

Honestly, I don't know why I don't see more people in movie theaters tripping and crapping their pants during their tumble down the stairs.

Number 2: When it says "Silence your Cellphones" it's supposed to be a general statement about not USING cellphones. Not something that you can side step on a grammatical technicality.

I know that it doesn't seem like a big deal to send a "quick text", as I've heard it called, but, when you open your fucking cellphone in the middle of a dark theater and I'm in the seat behind you, that 9 million candle watt beam you call a backlight shines out of your phone, ricochets off your fake lopsided tits and shoots right into my goddamn eyes.

Honestly, Dollywood, what fucking world do you live in where something can be both urgent enough to interrupt everyone else and not important enough to take yourself outside at the same time? It's a movie. A MOVIE. Get your shit handled enough that you can go a couple hours without checking in with your dog's hair stylist every 5 minutes.

I remember going to movies and after I got out having to push quarters into a payphone to tell my mom to come pick me up. I'm guessing you're so far up your own butthole that you didn't even understand half the words in that last sentence.

Number 3: Stop laughing out loud when people are being attacked and/or tortured on screen. No Country For Old Men is not a comedy. If you can't handle the subject matter then leave. Don't chuckle and act all casual like what you saw didn't almost make you pee on yourself. Be a man and deal with the message, or get the fuck out of the theater.

Number 4: If your foot touches the back of my head I will keep it.

Number 5: Don't take your fucking kid to see fucking Wanted at fucking 11 PM. What is the matter with you?

What is the matter with you?

Are you really surprised that they are pitching a fit? It's nothing but gunfire and blood and shouting. Your kid isn't being a "dick." She's crying because she doesn't understand why she has to stay up and watch people being killed over and over and over again when all she wants is to go home and lay in her tiny princess bed and dream about being Dora the Explorer.

You are a fucking psychopath, you know that? What you're doing is unbelievable to me, and I don't even like kids. This goes beyond kids. You are torturing another human being.

Yes, that's really what I believe you're doing. You're a shitty parent, and a shitty person, and I hate you. I hate YOU, for what you're doing, when it is so avoidable and unnecessary.

You can't go see the grown up movies because you had a baby? Tough shit. End of story. You had a kid, things change, get a DVD player and some headphones you worthless sack of crap.

Number 6: Don't wear your hat cocked to the side. You look like a walking turd.

Oh, I'm sorry that's a different letter.

Real Number 6: Go do something else. You shouldn't need a list. The theater isn't a diner or a fucking 4H building. It's like a library, but one where everyone can enjoy the story at the same time and take the journey together. If you don't want to take a journey, or don't even know what that means, just walk away and never look back. This place isn't for you, and it never will be for you.

The only exception I will accept from this rule is teenagers trying to get it on.

It's dark and your parents aren't around, I get it. People got needs, I feel you. Just go in the back, please.

Don't fuck so close to me that you rock my chair.

For the people that like my list, enough said. We are all on the same page. No instructions necessary.

For the people that might respectfully disagree with the ideals I was going for, go fuck yourself. I hate you, and if you sit in front of me, I will kick you in the head hard enough to kill you.

Chiggie Von Richthofen
Film Enthusiast


Jake Mix said...

When I saw Dark Knight the kid sitting next to me fiddled with his phone - I kid you not - every 8 minutes or so. A blazing white rectangle would pop into my peripheral vision, accompanied by the tap-tap of button presses. Each time he did it, I'd look at his phone along with him, or stare at his face, but neither did much to stop him.

I'm sad that I didn't tell him to shove it now. Oh, and later his friend two seats down answered her phone - she didn't make any audible noise, but the very act almost made my jaw rip through the top of my mouth and embed itself in my brain.

Jake Mix, aka 7inchsplit, Goodjer
Indefinite Articles

Renee said...

Jake must have been at the same movie theatre I was. I saw The Dark Knight and some asshat kid was madly texting his friends during the movie. I don't think he watched more than 30 minutes of it altogether.

And The Wife of the couple behind kept a running moral commentary on the character of Rachel for the whole film while her husband fidgeted and fussed with a noisy chocolate bar wrapper.

Both of them ate with their mouths open too.

There had better be a special circle in Hell for these morons.